I need to relax or something. I don't know how, but I do.
Since Parker's seizure, which was very mild, I haven't slept more than two or three hours at a time. I go to bed and lay there trying not to think the worst. My mind won't shut down and I end up awake until 1 or 2am. When I finally do get to sleep, I have nightmare after nightmare and wake up in a panic. I don't remember any of the dreams, but when I wake up I have the sensation that something is after me and I need to run. Last night alone it happened three times. Then Parker wakes up for his usual hour to two hour time of sleeplessness. By the time he goes back to sleep, I may get another hour of sleep before Conner wakes up.
During the day it's not so bad. I've been busy gathering reports and records from Parker's local doctors to take to the pediatric neurologist on Monday. I was advised to start a daily journal of all the foods that Parker eats, his temperment at various times throughout the day, his sleep habits, and stooling. His developmental pediatrician hopes we can learn more about what's making him cry so much this way. It's nice to have somethign to *do*. That's part of my problem at night. I can't *do* anything but lay there and worry. I do have control over that, or I should. I could be laying there meditating on scripture and truth instead of replaying my worst fears for hours.
The nice thing is that Jerry will be here tonight. I always feel much more calm when he's there beside me and he helps with the nightmares. I've had them before, and he talks me out of them. There's a good husband for you! I've never had them like this before, but I'm sure it's related to my stress and anxiety level right now and fatigue.
It's a scary thing to hold your child while they seize. It definitely got into my head. I'm so glad we can see the neurologist on Monday. We've seen her before and I liked her a lot. Maybe she can start to shed some light on what's going on.
I don't want to be told that everything's okay, because I know good and well that it's not. Maybe tomorrow I'll blog about the balance between hope and reality. I've been thinking about that.
Thank you to my friends and family! I'll keep you informed! Love you all.