Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Hope is Tricky

This post is inspired by a recent conversation I had with a new friend of mine, Moriah! She is one of those people I am sure the Lord brought into my life to help me through this season. She has no idea how encouraging she is to me. Thanks, Moriah!

I thought the last couple of years were a little bit difficult. I distinctly remember thinking, in my optimism, that things can only get better. It's a nice, positive way to look at hard times. We dealt with loss of income, Parker needing an orthotic helmet 23hrs a day, and a very close friend's two year old was diagnosed with leukemia which was quite a blow to our family as well. But I still had tons of hope just bubbling up all inside of me. Cole was going to beat the cancer, Parker's skull would be reshaped and Jerry would find a better job. The Lord was going to take care of us.

But I also made the considerable mistake of thinking, "At least it can only get better from here." In other words, "It can't get any worse."

But, hope is a tricky thing. It makes you vulnerable and can set you up for terrible hurt and disappointment.

*trigger* When I first started to miscarry our baby last January I had hope. I hoped it was benign bleeding and even after passing everything I still hoped right up until the last ultrasound that somehow the baby was still in there. That taught me about hope.

Parker will see a developmental pediatrician for the first time this Thursday. Throughout this whole ordeal with his delays, people's sympathy tend to fall into one of two categories, both based on hope. One group hopes that he's just delayed (that he doesn't have autism). The other hopes that since we're catching it early he'll be better off and that treatments are available.... Both are well intended and appreciated.

But I've learned about hope. It's a great thing to have and for some reason I can't seem to shake it. In a way I'd like to because it scares me now. I know what it can cost you. But I named this blog Hope and a Future because the Lord promised each of us that His plans for us were to prosper us and not to harm us, plans to give us a hope and a future. (jer 29:11)

Right now I'm hanging by a thread on that verse. I don't trust hope anymore, but I do trust the Lord. I trust Him because I know I can. Even if He doesn't stop the bad things from happening, He's always a prayer away and He comforts me and helps me. Whatever it is, I know I don't have to face it alone. That's worth a lot.

So, don't give up on me Moriah! I do hear what you're saying! ;)

Monday, March 30, 2009

My two little goofballs playing at the zoo last fall. I have several short video clips of those two playing in those water buckets. I love them all, but this one is my favorite.

Jerry and I bought a year long family pass to the NC zoo. It's not that far from where we live right now, so the boys and I can go for the morning. They enjoy the animals, but what they really like is playing in the sand box and this chalk station.

There is a giant chalk board wall behind them. The zoo provides tons of sidewalk chalk, spray bottles, and paint brushes for the children to play with. It serves as a way to stay cool and for the children to actually play. So much of the zoo is just looking, so it's a welcomed spot for a mother with two young boys.

When this video was taken, Conner was 2 years and Parker was 14.5mo old and was just learning to walk. I love it becuase they are so happy. Life can really be a struggle sometimes, so moments like these I tresure.

The name of this blog is Hope and a Future. Moments like these give me hope for Parker and hope for our family.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

A Walk in the Park

So, there it is. The last inanimate object to get the better of me, kick my booty, the latest thorn in my side -whatever you want to call it.
Last week I took my boys to the park. Conner is three years and Parker is 19 months old. They are two little boys who love to play outside, to run, and swing, and slide and.....that's where the trouble started.
Conner ran up to the top of the slide and yelled, "Hey guys!!" And what does little bro Parker want to do? Anything Conner's doing. When Conner was 19mo old, it wasn't an issue. He would have gone up there and come down the slide. But with Parker it's not that easy.
See I have this problem called "I can only be in one place at the time" I can't be at the top of the slide and the bottom of the slide at the same time. There was noone at the park that could help us and Parker really wanted to go down the slide like Conner.
My brilliant plan: I got Conner to sit at the bottom of the slide so Parker wouldn't fall off when he got down there. It seemed like a good plan at the time. Parker needed me to put him on the slide and send him down, but he also needed someone to catch him. I knew Conner couldn't catch him, but I thought if he was sitting on the slide he could at least block him from falling off.
I know, I know, most of you parents are trying to protect your children and get them OFF the bottom of the slide so they don't get hurt. I applaude you.
So anyway, my plan went over like a lead balloon. The trip down was fun, but the chaos at the bottom was...chaotic! Oh sure, Parker plowed right into Conner according to plan. But instead of stopping he flipped upside down and fell on his head in the sand. He was devastated. I had a particularly bad mommy moment and for some reason decided to blame Conner. I said, "Conner! you were supposed to catch him!" Bad, bad, bad. What the heck? It was my lame brained plan that didn't work. Of course the three year old couldn't catch someone that weighs almost as much as he does. Conner felt bad which made me feel twice as bad since I knew it was my fault to begin with.
So, then I went down and retrieved my screaming one year old and apologized to my wrongly accused three year old. I sat down on the sand with my children and fought off the feelings that I am a terrible mother and that we will never be able to function like a normal family at the park. How dramatic. One fall off the slide + existing concerns about Parker = hopelessness. Good grief.
Somehow they both forgave me! Maybe Parker won't have a lifelong fear of slides! I'm going to need a better plan for next time, so if anyone has any suggestions, I'm open!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Just surviving...

We had one of those days you just survive today. It wasn't necessarily bad, but Parker hasn't felt well in a few days and Conner acted like he didn't feel well today either. I had two wisdom teeth removed last Friday and had a lot of pain from that today too. The only productive thing we did all day was take the dog to the groomers and go pick him up. Seriously. He looks a lot better. The only before picture I could find was one where Conner put Mickey Mouse ears on him:

And here is the after:

He looks a lot better than he did.

I'm excited because Lost comes on tonight and that's one of the two shows I'm hooked on. The other is Big Brother (I know, I know, it's aweful). So, I've got to go get ready to watch that which mostly involves making sure the boys are in bed on time! :D

Tomorrow is a full day, lol. Parker has a speech lesson in the morning and we need to pack. After naptime the boys and I are driving to Jerry's parents' house. I have a follow up appt on my wisdom teeth on Friday and Linda (my MIL) is keeping the boys for me. After that, we'll spend the weekend there where we'll be joined by Jerry-my baby daddy. Babies daddy actually and my dh. He's alright. :D Here he is:

Conner's cheeks look full because they were stuffed with candy that's supposed to go on the bunny house!

So, anyway! That was my day and that's my family!

My First Post!

I never thought I'd have a blog. I didn't think anyone would really want to know what I do everyday. I'm not even sure I want to know what I do everyday. But, I may want to look back on this time in my life someday and I don't want to lose all the details. So, I would love for all my friends and family to come on this little trip down Lunacy Lane with me, but if you're too busy or don't want to it's okay! I release you from any guilty feeling as of right now! I'll try not to complaign too much or be too depressing, but I'm not going to shoot sunshine up anyone's butt either. The purpose of this blog is for me to get a bunch of stuff off my chest and to save these thoughts for later. Good stuff too, lol! If I ever manage to figure out how to put pictures on here, I will. Give me time. I've got a lot to learn!

I named this blog, "Hope and a Future" from the ever famous scripture found in Jeremiah 29:11 where we're told that the Lord's plans for us are good. If there is a single verse in the Bible I could call my life verse, that's the one. I wish it could be one that noone knows about so I'd look more like a Bible scholar, but that's the one! Sorry ya'll already know it!

I hereby promise to misspell words regularly, ignore the rules of grammer and punctuation and capitalization too. I hate all that stuff. This is my blog dang it, and I'm not stressing out over it.

Join me if you will!